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Thread: I need some advice

  1. #16
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    Posts
    61

    Default Re: I need some advice

    I am the eq addict in my family. My sweetie has not ever really gotten into the whole eq thing although he does play from time to time and I am slowly wearing him down-p. Luckily for me he gets me and puts up with my addiction).

    My advice is that either you can "be right" or you can look at what eq represents to her and to you and discuss it. At the end of the day being right doesn't make living with someone or the stress that eq is causing you two any better. Maybe eq has even become a symbol to her of you not being connected to her and the baby. Maybe eq has become your escape from rl).

    I would schedule family time and see if there is a way to compromise with eq. Remind her that when you are happy with yourself, you are happier with her. I would even try to get her an account and invite her to play along with you so it is now something you are doing together, but most importantly carve out special time to let her know she is loved)

  2. #17
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    42

    Default Re: I need some advice

    I have a funny feeling it’s not really what your hobby is but rather anything that takes your attention away from her. Sounds like she is frustrated with her own discontentment and vents on you. Maybe on a hidden level she is upset that you have something besides her and the kids that makes you happy. On the outside she just asks herself, “How can he enjoy/play that dumb game when he knows I can’t stand it.?

    Women have a funny way of incorporating their feelings with the male counterpart. Like some have said, “you will never understand a women?, I like to think women do not “get? men and the silly things they enjoy. Everyone needs alone time maybe you should find something for her to do first. That might give you the free time to do what you like.

  3. #18
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    50

    Default Re: I need some advice

    I had a guildie that was married with like 4 kids, and was literally on more than I was. I asked him what his secret was. I'm not married btw, just was curious how he pulled it off.

    He told me he put the proverbial foot down. Keep in mind this guy had been married for 15 years when EQ came out. He basically said it was in front of the computer, or out spending her shoe money at the bar.

    Probably won't work in your situation, but this thread reminded me of that one. My parents have been married for 40 years now. He lives in the garage, and mom has her hobbies as well. They actually NEED their time apart, it may be just a matter of time before she realizes that everyone needs their own time to themselves.

    My GF and I have an understanding, she lets me do what I want, I let her do what she wants, and we meet in the middle. No kids makes it a bit easier, but still, getting bent out of shape over something as harmless as EQ really makes no sense. Commitments are all give and take. If she doesn't want to give some, then you may be stuck like Chuck my friend.

    If you lived on the comp, I could see her point of view, but if you only play a couple days a week for a few hours, that seems a bit extreme. I can go blow 15 bucks in a bar easy, being home and available for 15 bucks a month is hardly much to ask. That and she gets to go buy more shoes. {rolleyes}
    Later,
    Selinya

  4. #19
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Posts
    32

    Default Re: I need some advice

    Does your wife get time to do her hobbies? I mean decent time, not 5 minutes when the baby is asleep. Obviously I don't know you guys, but perhaps she feels a bit resentful that you get "time out" and she doesn't. I know it is never easy when you have kids to balance time for yourselves and, more importantly, for each other.

    I wouldn't advise putting your foot down here, it sounds like she is a little insecure and needs some reassurance that she is still your number one. I understand completely where you are coming from, and that you need your "you time/space" and the chance to vent; but speaking as a girl if I was feeling how it sounds like she is feeling and my husband basically said "well tough I am doing it anyway" it wouldn't matter how rational his reasons were, his life would be a living hell.....

    Someone said something earlier about talking to her, communication is the key here. You say that you have talked to her till you are blue in the face, but have you listened to her? Have you asked the right questions like why she hates it so much, why does she resent the time you spend on it, what should you be doing instead.

    I am one of those if you can't beat them join them types I'm afraid, which is how I got into EQ, but it isn't everyone's cup of tea; and she could be so resistant of playing because she resents your time on it so much. When I started playing tentatively my husband nearly drove me nuts telling me to do it this way/that way/upside down etc. In the end I went out and bought a book, and just asked him a question if I got stuck. He still likes to tell me how I should play my cleric even though he has never played a priest class at all, but I just ignore him now , so it works ok for us!


    From an understanding women point of view, I guess I would say that it won't matter how logical or rational a man's reasoning is, or how practical, if a woman has an emotional reaction to the problem she will not hear you with her head, she will hear with her heart. Listen to what she has to say, ask her what her solution would be, give her time to think about it, show her that you love her. Be prepared to compromise.

    Finding a balance in these things is never easy, particularly when one partner doesn't "get" the other person's hobby. It is healthy to have time to be just you (or the fantasy you) without having to wear the husband/lover/daddy hat, but you also have to accept that that is your main role in life. I wish you all the very best of luck - I know I get itchy when I get too much time away from eq - I think we would all understand that feeling!!

  5. #20
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    68

    Default Re: I need some advice

    wow. i am just so amazed at the amount of response i have gotten back from this community. The only route I havent tried would be that of asking her how i can help her have time to enjoy a hobby of her own. as far as the whole her playing thing, her key responce is when do i have time. I have even explained to her plenty of time she has that could be spent on her whether playing or not playing. perhaps i shall force my hand and make her take time to have fun.
    Hi there! Names Kirryinia. I don't care whether you love me or hate me, but never forget I am the one that keeps your @$$ alive!

    Kirryinia Luvintouch~~Temporarily Retired
    Future Vicar of Tunare
    42nd Season and Now a Temperance Giver

  6. #21
    Join Date
    Jan 2003
    Posts
    640

    Default Re: I need some advice

    I think that is the key. She just told you what the problem was! She doesn't believe she has time to do anything other than work, house work, and taking care of the baby and you. It is quite obvious that she is envious and resentful of your time away from those responsibilities while playing EQ, or any other hobby you might choose. You are quite correct, force her to take some time off for herself. Buy her an afternoon at a day spa. Send her off to a B&B somewhere by herself, or on a weekend with her girlfriends. I'm betting that she has not had the time, or in reality felt she has not had the time, to even keep up with those relationships. Call her best friend(s) and tell her they need to kidnap her and get her out of the house for the weekend. Vegas or the beach time for her and her friends! While she is gone, clean the crap out of the house and do some odd jobs she has been bugging you to death about doing for a long time. Surprise her with that when she gets home and finds that you and the baby haven't died without her, and the house has not burned down or become one of the nether regions of Hell.

    It will give her a chance to relax and destress. When she gets back just ask her how her weekend was and what all she did. Shut up. Say nothing about the housework, etc. You're not fishing for compliments. Let her notice and say something. Just listen to her. Then in a few days sit down with her and talk to her about how you think she needs more time for her. Discuss how to make that happen. Don't talk about EQ at all. Once she learns she can have her own free time, she will not be resentful of you having yours as well. Good luck and get that woman out of the house!
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  7. #22
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Posts
    68

    Default Re: I need some advice

    thanks again everyone. I sure hope I can act out exacting what im thinking now, and not screw it all up again. and for reference. Since the day I told her i closed the account, everquest has NOT been mentioned. KUdos to me.
    Hi there! Names Kirryinia. I don't care whether you love me or hate me, but never forget I am the one that keeps your @$$ alive!

    Kirryinia Luvintouch~~Temporarily Retired
    Future Vicar of Tunare
    42nd Season and Now a Temperance Giver

  8. #23
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Posts
    33

    Default Re: I need some advice

    Have you ever asked her if there are any hobbies that she would suggest that you BOTH can enjoy? Have you asked her why everquest bother's her so much? At first her answers may be vague but if you press the fact that you can't read her mind and really want this to work out and her input is needed then perhaps you can get somewhere. Communication is one of the most important things in any relationship. I used to scream at my husband for playing a very annoying game all the time. He was in Navy and would go away, come home and be stuck to his computer. I felt neglected, resentful and down right pissed off. He didn't understand, he would say things like "I work so hard I need an outlet of I am going to exlpode!", Or "I just mowed the lawn, took the trash out, and sat and talked to you for 15 minutes I DESERVE to play computer for a few mintues" That made me madder. One day I had to come to terms with it, I was competing with a stupid computer for goodness sakes. So I went to computer store and looked around for a game I might enjoy, I stumbled across Everquest. Brought it home installed it and started playing it all by myself. My husband was extremly jealous. I ended up pulling all nighters in front of the computer and doing the very thing he was doing and not realizing it. He got very jealous and wanted to know why I wasn't spending any time with him anymore!! We only had one internet connection at the time so we couldn't both play the game. Adventually, I called up phone company got a wireless network going and downloaded Everquest on his machine. Now we play together and all is good. My point here is there are 2 perspectives and either of you might not see the other's unless you trade shoes. I know you said you have given her a toon, tweeked it and she didn't get it. Well of course not, it's your game your toons and such. Let her do the searching and find something that will make her happy. I still don't understand that stupid game my husband was playing and cringe at the name of it still. But Everquest was my idea, I started it all by myself and let him join me! Sorry long post but just my thoughts.

  9. #24
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Posts
    540

    Default Re: I need some advice

    Everyone here gave such good advice I didn't really have anything to add .. but this (smidge from the female perspective).

    When my husband first started playing Everquest, it was May 1999 and he, his best friend and the best friend's girlfriend (soon to be wife) also played - as did another friend of ours who moved out of state.

    I felt extremely resentful of the fact that my husband preferred the game over me. He spent all of his free time with our friends in game and it just seemed out of touch with reality and rude to me.

    Since I enjoyed watching TV and reading, I just used more of the non intentional silence treatment and went my own way when we were both in the house together (we each had busy lives that kept us home not very often). It often seemed more like we were roomates rather than husband wife.
    - Now mind you, we still enjoyed all the comfy things, cooking together, cuddles, etc. *blush* but in terms of spending time together that was limited.

    There was enough to do since we both worked full time, we both were in school (master's degree for me and bachelors for him), and he was on a summer softball league as well - so while it was 1.5 years, time flew by often.

    Finally after 1.5 years of feeling like I was a reject, I finally decided "if you can't beat them, join them". So I made a pact with my husband and friends. They had to help me get to lvl 35 (when you stopped staring at that book) and I would try to figure out the game and start playing with them.
    - 5 years later here we are. My husband still plays, I still play, our best friend is back playing (he plays for a couple months then takes a couple months off etc.), the out of state one plays; only the wife doesn't play (and this couple has a 2.5 year old now).

    Crystilla
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